Searching for "lost"

159 Results For 'lost'

Farrah

September 23, 2012 @ (CA)

FROM MY DIARY: MY BOYFRIEND, THE ADDICT

I need to laugh right now, even though I feel like crying. You see, the man I love is an addict. Piece by piece, he’s breaking my heart. I think this might be over.

For the time being, though, I figure laughter is the best medicine. So I’m trying to focus on the crazy man outside with the abrasive voice, yelling on the phone in a language I can’t understand. At the same time, I’m reading these break-up stories on an online support group for damaged relationships, wondering how on earth I got here.

I’m trying to remember the things I'm grateful for, which is hard to do in a time like this. My therapist tells me to do this when I feel down. It helps me shift into a more positive mindset. I need to look at the things I DO have in my life and stop focusing on what I've lost - because I can’t stop thinking about Ryan* and about how much I miss the person he used to be.

I feel like I lost him even before the new girl "friend" came along. However, I know she’s only a piece of this crazy puzzle. The old Ryan would never have hurt me that way. He never would’ve lied to me about seeing her. He never would’ve blamed me for his own mistakes.

For the past couple months, I’ve had that gut instinct, telling me something wasn’t right. I could already feel him starting to slip away, and I keep remembering the person who once loved and adored me, and who thought I was beautiful and amazing. I miss the way he used to hold me, kiss me, talk to me for hours. He said he wanted to be with me forever, and I wanted his face to be the first thing I saw each morning, every day for the rest of my life. I never told him that – but I felt it in my heart. He inspired me to be a better person. I miss that man.

When I met him over a year ago, he’d first gotten sober. Gradually, he changed into a brand new person. A light appeared in his eyes; he was truly happy. He went to AA, got a sponsor, and was taking steps toward a brighter future. What went wrong?

It hurts so badly to watch him change. I watch as he stumbles through the darkness of his addiction, sloppy step-by-step, and I can’t do a thing. The pain cuts like a knife, but I’m trying not to feel it. I’m trying to be strong. I don't even know him anymore. He can't see the way he hurts me. While he's this way, he can't see anything else. He’s locked in the grip of denial – in a world that is cold and black. Until he wants help, he won’t get better, and right now he doesn’t believe anything is wrong.

I can't go on this way with him. I love him more than words can say, but I have to love myself enough as well.

I have to realize that the person I'm leaving behind isn’t the man I fell in love with. Instead, he’s a stranger, and all I have are memories of someone I once loved with all my heart.

I watch him wrestle within his own skin, and wallowing in the pits of self-imposed misery. He can't even see what this does to me. He'll only get better when the pain of staying the same outweighs his fear of change.

Unless he’s willing to be honest with himself, he’ll never change, and things between us will continue to deteriorate.

As long as he’s in this mode, he’s capable of anything. He expects my trust without being trustworthy. He expects results and rewards without doing anything to earn them. It isn’t realistic, but he can’t see that now – not the way the old Ryan would. I guess it’s impossible to see the entire picture while you’re standing in it.

A part of me still believes in him. He pushed through this before, and he became an amazing person because of it. It's hard to watch something so beautiful waste away before your eyes. It’s even harder to walk away.

Whatever happens, I do believe that everything happens for a reason - even if I can't see what that is right now. One day, maybe I'll understand. And one day - just maybe - the man I love will come back to me.

Gabor

September 07, 2012 @ (Maryland)

Tags: Sad, Betrayal

My story is a bit unique and is way too long to tell here, but I will link a video in this post. I never once dated in my life because I wanted to wait until I was old enough and mature enough to handle a relationship. I met my ex when I was near 16 and right of the bat I was there for her when she was dragged up from FL. to MD. because her mom wanted to be with her high school sweetheart. I did everything for this girl and she moved in within a month of meeting. We lost each other's innocence to one another. Later she would get sick of MD and eventually just leave and say we would do long distance. She never liked to talk and was slowly changing. She went from a sweet innocent girl to one of those general f***ed up teens today. She told me she would see me so I flew down to Florida at age 17, only for her to change her mind. Like I said there is too much to speak of in this box. I have a video that's 2 hours long for those of you that actually want to hear what happened. I'm trying to get through to her with support from the world that she changed for the worse because I don't want to lose her. YouTube link http://youtu.be/3YNYrCkXP48

Jordan

August 25, 2012 @ (Australia)

Tags: sarsha , pheoeb

well this is how the story goes... years ago i feel in love with a girl in high school, i was in love with her since she was my first ever girlfriend. About 2 months into going out she left me ,without a reason and 2 weeks later she was dating another guy( who ended up cheating on her). i was soo upset but soon after i found a girl that was completely perfect. we ended up dating for 2 years but then one day she turned around and told me she didnt love me no more...and as much as i fought for her back and tried my hardest i ended up losing her... i found it really weird that she couldn't really give me a reason for breaking up for me , but turned out she was in contact and flirting with the guy that took my first girlfriend, and its pretty clear i lost he girl of my dreams to the same guy !:,(

Lauren

August 22, 2012 @ (Maryland)

Tags: (highschool, religion)

So it was a nine month relationship. We were friends for about a year before. We finally decided to hook up the week of homecoming. But it turned out to be something a lot more. He asked me out at the homecoming game. Since then we've been together and in love. I helped him through so much. His parents fight constantly, he was adopted, he has self worth issue but so do I. We helped each other out. We were happy together and we promised each other to stay forever. We thought we were going to get married. We thought we had so much time. We even lost our virginity to one another.
So he went to church camp for a week about a month ago. He came back wanting a break. No explanation, no answers, no nothing. He changed completely. He always used to say that he believed in God but not in religion. Now he's a legit conservative Catholic. He says "Sex is bad." He thinks he has to break up with me because of his religion. The experience at camp changed him. It's like my old guy is there but he's not. Like he's asleep and soon he's going to wake up and have no one. He thinks the world is a perfect place where only nice people exist because that's how it was at camp.
I don't know how to get through to him. But all he says now is 'idk'. Ten months and he's willing to throw it all away... I get the feeling he isn't telling me something. I'm so fed up with guys being assholes. He was different though.

Alex B.

July 09, 2012 @ (New york)

Tags: cheating?

Alright so where do I start.. We met at work, the girl I'm dating now, and we've been together for about 2 years now. I am 20 and she is 18. I guess I'm writing this because I'm confused and I need to get this off my chest.
Since we have started dating she has texted and messaged every guy at our club (over 20+). Now this would not have bothered me if she had not been writing to them nasty messages like she wants their dick or wants to show them a "good time".
I found all this because I felt that something wasn't right and everyone at our club would tell me that I'm too good for her and she doesn't deserve me.
Well long story short I confronted her about this and at first she denied it up until I showed her proof.. So she started to cry.. A lot.. and apologized and kept assuring me that nothing ever happened.. She said she needed to do all this to feel like she has "power". At first I didn't understand until she explained to me that as a child she was sexually abused by a close friend of the family. In the end she kept reassuring me that nothing happened sexually with the people at our club. So I believed her.
I have always been faithful and true to her because she is my first. But once I found all that was going on behind my back, the trust I had for her is broken.. I try but I can't seem to trust her anymore. But she keeps promising me that she will never do this again because she doesn't want to loose me.
We have talked about living together, getting married and having kids but.. A part of me doesn't want that anymore.. Because I feel like it will happen again. I don't want to waste my time with someone who will not be faithful and give it her all in the relationship.
I don't know whether I should stay with her or break up. The reason I'm contemplating is because she is going to be moving across states from me to live a "stress free" life for a couple of months. And I can understand why... her family treats her like a maid or nanny and doesn't really acknowledges her as part of there family, and they don't really approve of us being together. Things are basically not going her way. I just feel that she will mess up and cheat on me. I don't want that to happen. I can't go with her because my work is here.
So what do you guys think I should do? I need advise. I am really lost.

Robert

June 02, 2012 @ (California)

Tags: Morrissey

"My Larissa", "Baby", "hunny"… fuck. In your head you broke up with me 3 months ago but it took you til 3 weeks ago to really do it. That’s how complicated you are. To lose your feelings is one thing, but to play pretend and say you love me when you don’t really care about me is fucked. You’re a coward and I don’t respect you for what you put me through. You don’t want to call me and rather email me? I miss… whom you used to be, the shy girl with brown eyes, big hair and red lips. I don’t miss the lying little girl you are to me now. It makes sense why you didn’t like serious moments, or taking pictures, or being around my family at times, and why you acted up, said disrespectful things and treated me the way you did. You’re the worst girlfriend I’ve ever had.

I saw it in the first place when you cheated on me, I made the mistake of forgiving you and what happened thereafter wasn’t fair to me. I was doing everything I could, the best I could do to believe we can be happy together. You were bringing me down, you were making me think I was doing something wrong and you broke my heart. I spent all this time getting to know you; I always went out of my way to be with you. In-between working a lot, skating as much as I could, growing my business, getting fired, having you cheat on me, all the depressing feelings, you going out drinking too much, me not being motivated to skate, bummed out over everything, to getting new jobs, significantly improving my situation, then, to watch you lead me to a shot in the dark.

My ex cheated on me, as you know. Remember we said we wouldn’t ever put each other through the same things others did to us? Lucky for me I was cheated on twice in a row, right? How did I get such good aim with finding very messed up people? It’s a real bummer. I knew you were hiding something from me, I knew I couldn’t trust you and I went to your house that night for the same reason I sent you a birthday card you didn't deserve... to get the truth. No more lies Larissa, take my information off your resume and don’t give anyone my letter of recommendation. If I get a call I will tell them that you never worked for me, I will be honest and admit it’s all bullshit and that you are not a good candidate.

You’re brown jacket you left in my trunk is in the trash.

Life is going to hit you eventually and it will be a night-terror come true. I showed you what you’ve been missing, freed you from your broken home, into mine countless nights and held your hand through the ups and downs. I looked out for you and was there for you. You cover up your sadness pretty well but one day it will all come out when you least expect it. You can’t hide it forever. You are weak. You have a lot of growing up to do. You’re not looking for someone to sweep you off your feet. You’re lonely, you are lost, but I found you and met you for some reason. But someone who deserves me and will treat me right is in my future. I’m a good man, a gentleman, one of the most positive people you’ll ever meet, I have a passionate heart, desire to be someone great and I did my best.

It’s fitting you have a tattoo of a rose, roses are beautiful but every rose has it’s thorns and they hurt, especially when you don’t deserve to feel them. This whole thing is a shame and it’s much too late for goodbyes. Pray Larissa, God knows what you did. Pray for goodwill, kindness and respect. He has been lifting my spirit and giving me strength to part with loving you. You need Jesus and you’ll eventually need to seek my forgiveness if you really do value me as a friend for any of the rest of your life. Learn the difference between right and wrong.

It didn’t have to be like this.

Linda

June 01, 2012 @ (Canada)

Tags: break up cheating car crash

It's been a year since he left and I don't know if I'll ever get over him...
We met during college and didn't start dating till we graduated
We dated for 2 years and although we had our ups and downs, I loved being with him every second of the day
But during one time in our relationship, he cheated on me with my best friend
I found out that he was cheating on me and broke up with him straight away, although I didn't know who the girl was at the time
He kept begging me to take him back but I kept refusing until I realised that I actually missed him a lot
So, I went back with him again
A few weeks later, I found out that the girl he was cheating on with me was my BEST FRIEND
After finding out, I was so hurt and decided to break it off with him once and for all, I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, nor my best friend aswell...
So, I lost two important people at the same time
A year or so later, I bumped into him again and we started talking and eventually just became friends
Although, I kept contemplating on whether or not I should forgive him, because I knew that deep down inside he knew what he had done was wrong, and wanted me back because he still loved me, but he wanted me to be happy so he never asked for reconciliation
But truth is, was that deep down inside my heart, I still loved him, but I was scared of getting hurt again
One night while laying in bed, his parents called me to notify me that he suddenly got into a car crash
I rushed to the hospital and prayed so hard that he was going to be okay, because I wanted to tell him that I already forgave him and was ready start fresh with him, but it was too late...
It's been one year since he's gone and till this day, i still regret not forgiving him earlier, I still regret not taking him back, I feel as though I didn't let him leave this world peacefully...

VM

May 16, 2012 @ (Earth)

Tags: sighs

So me and this girl had dated for about 7 months. The first 5 months was perfect, we were in the honeymoon stage and it was full of love. About 2 months ago, she has this personal problem that she couldnt tell me but I can see a big shift in the relationship. She told me that this personal problem has caused an effect in our relationship and there wasnt anything I she and I can do about it. Things went down hill from here because shes become more snappy. We got into this one petty fight and I walked away because it wasnt necessary. She then later on said something that really got to me, she said that I have no urge to fight and that makes her lose interests and she think she can walk all over me. Maybe its the age difference, im 29 and shes 22 but I dont like fighting over small things especially I already accepted the fact that she is high temper issue. But after this incident, I started having dilemmas with my actions, always questioning whether I'm being too nice or maybe I should be mean. This causes big time withdrawal and I feel like I can't be myself around her most of the time. Since Valentine, we stopped having sex because she has this health issue (i know it wasnt an excuse cuz she has many doctor visits). And then comes the personal problems, she stopped making time for me but rather stay busy with work, school and her friends. A kiss becomes a peck on the lips, holding hands become very vague. The only thing I feel like we truly still had was we still called each other sweet names and quick kisses here and there. I tried to understand and deal with it because I respect her space/time to deal with personal problems. It wasnt easy but I had friends to talk to and helped me through it. About a week ago, we took off on a cruise and the entire time I had to play the "careless attitude" game and to her, I came off as blunt and rude. So be it but I didnt have any more rooms to suppress my feelings about the situation. Then on the way home from the cruise, my ex started venting about her relationship to me (note that she does talked to her ex and whenever my ex contacted me before I always let her know and she said she doesnt care, we have that trust) so I was in a venting mode and vented back. After a few texts, I realized this is wrong because my ex started to tell me if this girl doesnt treat you right then leave her. That doesnt help me, I felt like my ex was trashing on my relationship so I stopped and deleted the thread. My current girlfriend saw that i was texting the ex and later checked my phone but only saw the last part of the message (which said my bf stopped talking to me and walked out of the room, she was venting). To her, this is a dishonest act that I deleted the message, she thinks I have something to hide and she said she lost complete trust in me. I understand where she comes from but I really was deleting the message out of my own guilt and not hiding anything but she doesnt believe me. She said that she has major trust issue and to others this may not be a big deal but to her its a huge deal. I asked her how she felt about us, she said that she doesnt think I can ever cheat on her and that Im the best guy shes ever dated (she dated many guys before but they were all the assholes type so I spent most of my time to show her that good guy does existed and always go out of my way to make her happy) but she cannot trust me after what happened even if she forgives me and broke up the relationship. Ive asked all my friends and they said it was a harsh decision but I need opinions from someone that doesn't know me so please help. I also know that what I did was wrong and I wrote her an apology letter to own all the faults I created but it didnt seem to affect her decision. I just feel very shattered because I spent the past few months to build this relationship and it is now broken over an honest mistake, and accident that I didnt think what i was doing was being dishonest.

Katherine

May 14, 2012 @ (Oooops)

Tags: ex 2

so i have been seeing this guy kyle on and off for about 4 years. we are only on and off cause he left the first time for his best friends girlfriend. so i went for his best friend then we got back together then i left him for someone else and once again we got back together then he was talking to this girl whose a slut and got with her so we broke up and while they were going out he was cheating on her with me.then we were like together and he randomly ignores me and doesnt talk to me and he leaves. he promises he wont ignore me and he wont leave but he still has a record of doing it.this year for spring break i went to myrtle beach and i saw him the day before i left and i wanted to give back his bracelet and talk to him when im back cause we both would get fuked up and feel guilty or regret something. so he begged me to talk to him and keep the bracelet ... i did and during the vacation he ignored me. then randomly he would say eveythings fine. the day i got home he lost hope saying that its not working for him...kyle and me tried again and he got mad at me and wouldnt talk to me. so i went to his house to speak to him and when we spoke he wouldnt look at me. and then a few days he was acting weird. and yestarday he long boarded to my house just to see me... he says it will be different this time and he wont lose hope and he will do anything for us to work out. idk what to do. should i try it or let him go? we love eachother but i dont wanna always get hurt and him ignore me uk? what should i do

Naomi

May 05, 2012 @ (New Jersey)

Tags: i am so sorry, i miss you, you are not the one, you deserve better

I have known Hector for all of my high school years, we were really close and we had a blast together. In our senior year we decided to date. It was fun, he was funny, romantic, sweet but I always felt that is wasn't right. We then dated for almost a year and a half, now we were both in seperate colleges. He said I was his soulmate and he loved me so much, but during our whole relationship I was distant romantically but we still had fun together. Then I put more thought in it and I realized he loved me more than I loved him. I loved him but not in the "right way", I cared of him but really I wanted my best friend back without the romantic stuff. I decided he deserved better in love, someone who could reciprocate his feelings. He did everything right but I just never truly loved him. I wasnt ready to love him, and the day I broke up with him I cried; he cried and begged for me back. I know I am doing this so he can get the best out of life, I realized I could no longer be selfish and reap the benefits of being in a relationship when I didnt love him. So now as I write this, I am getting ready to visit him; it is a couple weeks after our break up, and I need to return some of his stuff and I dont know what is going to happen. No matter how much fun we had I could no longer go back to him. I am actually really childish but this is the maturest decision I think I have ever made but it just feels so hard. I lost my best friend, I will no longer hear about his life and it is really hard. But I know someone will love him completely and eternally. But in the back of my head I dont think I would find someone who loves me as much....