Searching for "flip flop"

2 Results For 'flip flop'

BlahBeeBlah

April 27, 2021 @ (Midwest)

So I entered my first relationship for the first time in 2019 and everything was slowly turning amazing. I had begun opening up to him, something that he requested of me, and just being more happy in general. Sad to say I was a depressed little thing who was also agrophobic. Once we got closer to our one year anniversary we started discussing moving in together and even potentially having a family. My first red flag should have came from this as he often flip flopped on what it is he wanted and agreed to. So we move in together and about two months in I started developing BV and I would take medicine for it and get a yeast infection. I know now that not even a week after I first develop BV which I was told is common, he had began cheating on me with multiple women. This had been going on for months before I found out and it did it without any hesitation once so ever. I felt so betrayed as this was the man I thought had loved and respected me and would tell me magnificent things like he wished he had met me sooner in life. I tried to work things out with him but he said that the relationship was blah and that it had ran its course. I asked him what did they have that I didn't, besides the whole BV issue, and he just replied something different. This happened months ago and it still hurts like it happened yesterday because for some stupid reason I still love him. I do not understand what is wrong with me and my heart, but I wish so desperately that I didn't meet him. We still interact with each other and I know he still messes with some of the women that he cheated on me with, but he's just toying with them too telling them sweet nothings like he did me and fucking everything that moves. I am so desperate that I engage with sex with him and I know its stupid as fuck of me but I can't help it. I really don't want to feel what I feel anymore, but I can't cut off my feelings and if I leave I'll be homeless

AC

October 25, 2011 @ (US)

Tags: indecisive, indecision, flip flop, back and forth

It is apparently over. It feels that way. I have not been able to say the words to her though I think my heart feels it is.

It isn't that I don't love her, its that I am so unsure of what I want for my life that my instincts (or my goddamn brain) won't let me find clarity. Maybe that means I don't love her...I dunno. Or maybe I don't need clarity and I'm just ignoring my instincts which say that this relationship can not work considering the re-evaluation I am undertaking.

I haven't been able to wholeheartedly agree on the direction she would like life to go in...it mostly the children issue. But its not because I'm so against it or worried she isn't good enough to build a life with. I just haven't found a way to say yes or no, to reconcile what I want with what she does so maybe the indecisiveness is my answer.

Even if it means that I change my mind a year from now, I think the answer is "no I can't be what you need and deserve right now." If that's the case and she has a clearer plan for her life, I should let her go so she can find it with someone else. It may be the worst decision of my life and I may regret it but I just can't see a way to put love, attention and energy into this relationship AND try to figure my own shit out.

Part of me feels plain dumb for not having figured myself out at 33, but part of me also doubts that every married with kids person really gave it all as much thought and followed their instincts either. It feels so odd to not inherently agree with the way society goes about relationships, marriage, kids and just maturing in general. Everyone feels like they are on auto-pilot with their life choices. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better about my indecision.

I think in many ways my spirit is flawed, broken...but not irreparable. I will take the time to ask my heart what it really wants and I will keep asking until it responds....because it will. It wants me to be happy and maybe it doesn't even yet know what it wants but when it does, I will fight for it with all I can. I only have one known chance at living. I've got to try and live as best I can. I hate that I don't know that she could represent living life the best way I can, but if we are done and it was a mistake, it just feels like a mistake I have to make, otherwise I am doomed to create the same indecision and same mistakes time and time again.