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Silly Girl

March 04, 2017 @ (Taiwan)

Tags: Sad breakup, silly breakup, silly girl, unimaginable breakup

When I was 13, I meet my ex in high school. I remember in the first class, we look at each other and smile which is the moment i remember until now. Those time, when young soul are pure and kind.. When time passes. We had a crush on each other, we knewit but we never confess it.

5 years later where we both are 19, we got together, he is my first love, while im not his first love. He went into several relationship during that 5 years. We were both in a long distance relationship(LDR) as at the year 19 people start going to college in University. I stayed local to further study, while he were in the State.

When we first separated, we fully committed to maintain this uneasy relationship, because i believe in fate. For those who been in a LDR, will know that how stressful, insecure, it is. It brings a lot of stress to me. At the first 4 months it was okay, and after that he start to playing missing, like for a whole day. Dint reply my text, dint pick up my call and dint even told me that when he is awake and when he is going to sleep. The time different between us is horrible, it was me that stay up till midnight to wait for him to wake up, but ended up receiving nothing. This kind of ignorance and gone missing go on and off continuously till another 6 months.

At the 10th month of LDR, i received an odd message from him. It was some very rude words, saying that I am a bitch. And then I realized that it sent by another girl through his phone. At that moment, my heart felt apart. My heart was broken. I cried and call him to explain everything, he told me that he was actually with the girl when he is in the State. He throw all the responsibilities to me to settle all this mess. Ask me to make the decision. I was mentally and physically being tortured. Everything was in a complete mess. His cheating partner was crying and screaming while we having phone call and I am really not under a sober condition to settle this mess. And I decided to hang up the call since I cannot think comprehensively towards everything. After the night, he keep send me sorry words, saying that he din't mean it, saying that he still love me, and a lot of sentences that mentally hurt me a lot. He spam and spam and spam.. every single day and act like he is the one who got hurt. MAN!! I am the one who silently being hurt all the time, every single time! 6 days after the messy break up, his cheating partner texted me, asking me to give him another chance, and told me that he was sick, asking me to send him some warm messages. I cried every single day, i cried a lot. The pain that both of them gave me is unbearable. It's like a knife stuffed into my heart and slowly twisting.

And finally I decided to text him, because I still love him at that point, he cried and beg me, asking me to give him another chance. Because I still love him, and we are back together. Same thing happened, okay at the first month was so good. And the following months he was playing missing. Finally at the third month he wanted to break up, and he said that he is in love with someone else. And we never contacted ever since.

After the break up, I couldn't sleep well at night. I always had nightmares, felt lonely and sad. When I look into the mirror i asked "What now? Am I not good enough?" "Why does being kind people will still get hurt?". All the question i asked, but non of them gave me an answer. Those sadness and insecurities haunted me quite a long time. It started to effect my health.

And after 4 months, someone with him told me the truth, the person told me that he had a lots of girlfriend before and after he gets back with me, all those classes, working timetable and trips with friends that he told me as an excuses of can't make a video call was actually going out have fun with a lots of chicks! Truth hurt. Truth really hurt like hell. I burst into tears when I knew this. I always thought that both of us need a closure, but the pain he gave me that feelings just wont go away. After the truth, and I finally realized that he doesn't deserve my tears. It is not worth to cry for him. Love yourself first girls!

Xoxo Best wishes