Tags: Jennifer
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Lost Love
I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. We were together for 1 year. I only have myself to blame. I knew our relationship wouldn’t work when we first started dating. We lived so far away from each other and we were so immature. It was too serious and we were too young. If I only knew then what I know now.
We would try to see each other every other week. For one year we did this. The bus trip took about six hours. At the time it didn’t matter because I got to see him at the end of the trip. When I finally saw him after those six long hours, I wouldn’t feel a thing. Our relationship was an illusion. We looked so cute in front of people but when we were alone we would always fight. The first six months was fine, but the other half was hell. We fought each night, even when we were not together. He would yell at me over the phone and I would yell back. When I said I didn’t want to do this anymore, he would push me on the bed and just lay on top of me hugging me and I would forget everything. I know he didn’t want me to go but we couldn’t keep on living like this. Things were bad…really bad and something had to change.
One night we finally ended it all.
Oh God, the agony. The pain is unbelievable. It’s rushing through my body, my veins, my soul. The memories take me back to that place. The night where it all went wrong. I said we couldn’t do this anymore. You said you didn’t want to break up. We had to end it; we couldn’t keep on going like this. We shouted, we cried, we loved, one last time. It all played out so well. My hands in your hair, your name on my lips and your hands on my hips. The warmth of each other kept the room warm. It was love in the atmosphere. We looked at each other; and just like that, it all went away. The love we sheared, fading. The feelings we had, forgotten. The warmth in the room, gone.
The morning after.
I walked you to the stairs. You stood there confusing. I stood right beside you holding your hand. The stairs were hard to walk. I felt like a rock every time I took a step. We stopped at the front door. You looked in to my eyes as you had your hand on the door handle. Your eyes were blank and full of tears just waiting to run down your face. We kissed one last time. I cried as you took your bag and walked out the door. I watched you walk away; you stopped and looked back. I remember those other times you’ve left, you would run back straight away, but this time you didn’t. You just kept on walking. And just like that you were gone.
As I watched you drive away, I felt a raindrop on my skin. It ran down my face; just like the tears in my eyes. The begging of a journey for some people, but an ending of a journey for us.
Now it’s finally over. I regret nothing.
Tags: long distance
We met through a mutual friend who was very close to both of us. Before meeting, the mutual friend actually told my ex that we were "perfect for each other".
The first few times we hung out, always in a group of friends, I thought he was cocky and full of it, but I was intensely attracted to him. One night at a party, I noticed he was kind of following me around. Every where I was in the house, he was too. He was adorable and shy, and I was forced to re-examine my first impression of him. We ended up talking for hours alone that night and we somehow intuitively knew so much about each other despite having been acquainted for such a short time. It was one of those magical moments in life when two human beings who are basically strangers really "see" each other, and love what they see.
We fell in love very quickly and intensely over the next few weeks. Time was always running away from us; he was supposed to leave the state in just a few months.
A year of long distance bullshit later, he stopped responding to me. Said he needed to have some time to himself, to figure things out. A week later he broke up with me. The reasons were never really clear but I think mostly he needed his independence to carve out his own place in the world, and he didn't feel he could do that with the pressures of our relationship. He said we were like two kids caught up in a fairy tale, and he had been hit with reality. Our fairy tale was the most important thing to me. We shared dreams of building a treehouse and living there in the wilderness with our kids and dogs and little vegetable patch. We called each other soulmates and "love of my life". I believed in it with everything I had. For me, this was my partner in life.
I was in a state of physical and emotional shock for some time after the break up. We vowed to remain close, to remain best of friends, because we both believed that love never really dies - even when two people part ways. Six months later he told me again I was his soulmate. Three days later he started to ignore me, which he has continued to do since (4 months and counting). This has truly been the most painful part of the whole experience. I believed so completely that this person, regardless of the current status of our relations, would always support and love and acknowledge me . By ignoring me, he has made me feel invisible, worthless, and crazy. Sometimes I think I made everything up in my head or that it was some crazy dream. More than I grieve for a lost lover, I grieve for the loss of a genuine connection with a person, the kind which is very rare in our world.
Tags: broken heart, lost love
There was this girl. I had known her for years and years. I met her in 5th grade and ever since then we became friends. We wouldn't talk much but we'd always have something to say to each other. We grew up...her becoming gorgeous day by day and me realizing how much this girl knows me. We'd literally sit for hours talking about our lives and our beliefs. She had a cold outside, but inside she was warm and sweet as sugar. She went out with my best friend at one time and I didn't mind. I always felt she would come back to me. So I waited. 2 long years I waited until finally all those times of going to her house to have sandwiches got to me, all those times of sitting in class cracking on everyone else got to me, all those times of hanging out and generally loving each others presence got to me......I fell in love...or so I thought. I felt perfect. Everything was right. Just being in her presence took away all my demons, my frustrations, my unwavering pathetically insignificant life. I felt like a person in front of her. Like I mattered. I fell in love with my dream girl.
But then things got different. She went to college and hooked up wit some dude...She swore it was a mistake and that it was the first time she had gotten drunk. My dumbass believed her. Why? Because I believe in HER and ME...together. I told her we'd work through this. A couple months later, she told me she had to break it off because her parents didn't approve of me even though they had known me my entire life. They thought I was unpredictable and was going no where in life just because I wasn't becoming a doctor. She told me her parents didn't approve and I believed her. We broke up and God did it fuckin hurt. I couldn't talk to her, email her, nothing. She said her parents knew about us and were making sure I didn't call her. I lost touch with her. My best friend told me he went to go see her to console her because he knew we were both going through a hard time. He came to my place afterwards and TO MY FACE told me that nothing happened. After that, I went to India.
When I came back, I lost my soul, my heart, and my general appreciation for love. My best friend, who has known me just as long as she did, tells me that the day he went to go see her...something did happen. I was a broken man. In one swift move, I lost any connection to my love and my true friend. I cursed her for breaking my heart and for doing something this cruel. As for my best friend, I forgave him with my brain but not my heart. Both of them hurt me in ways I didn't know humans could be hurt. I had done no harm to any of them. I showed them love when everyone else showed hate.
The story goes on. My best friend went on...back to his old girlfriend. She forgave him and they moved on. And for her...she has a new boyfriend. A douche. Some fuck who will probably end up worse off.
My entire perception of people changed that day. I don't know if I should put more trust in strangers or in friends. At least strangers won't lead you on when they fuck your shit up.
I'll admit. I had my faults. Maybe I was going too fast with it and I jumped into things. but I truly felt this was it. My dumbass never felt so stupid in my entire life. I should've calmed down and played it slowly. She told me it wasn't gonna work, but I told her we'd make it work. I just never knew I was the only one workin at it.
I've had so much shit hit me in my life. Car accidents, fist fights, fights at home, fights with friends, broken bones, shattered eyes, surgeries, deaths, fires, rejection, loneliness, isolation...and yet. the only thing that ever REALLY hurts me...is a broken heart.
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