John L.
July 20, 2010 @ (Orlando)
Tags: 8 year dream
I was with a girl for 7.5 months. When we first met she told me that she was going to try and get back together with her ex.8 years earlier I had begged God to show me the girl I was to marry. I had seen this girl and her dad for 8 years in my dreams and had been looking every day. 2 days before my 23 b-day,I took her out to dinner and it was my first date.We ended up hanging out more and more. FOund out later she was with a guy I knew and was having sex. I am a true Christian and wanted to show her that sex wasn't how you loved someone it was just being with the that mattered most. Her ex had messed up her head. I got drunk for the first time forher and apparently I woke up next morning with no clothes on. I lost my virginity.To me it was the most sacred thing I wanted to give my wife to say this is all that I am and I am giving it to you. We ended up doing it a lot and I thought she would stay with me. She was talking with her ex the whole time and I hated that but was trying to show I cared. He came back 4 two weeks and she had sex with him. I had just given her a 200 dollar pair of earrings saying the night before don't forget about me. She came back and we were together for a few months then she started working at a place full of guys then the there was no contact with her. I was like what the crap. She didnt tell me anything. I had nightmares of me being in the room while she was having sex with a guy I had never seen. Later found out she was seeing a guy from work. And that she had finally broken up with her ex.
I said is there any way that we could start over since she now had a clear head. No. She never once loved me or had feelings for me. They were all transferred from her ex to me. Sorry.
In the end I gave my virginity so she wouldn't go to another guy who would use her for sex,gave her my heart, mind, body and soul. I waited 8 years for this girl and she took everything and said it meant nothing. Now I am afraid to even ask a girl out because I believed in her. One time after sex she was like what is your favorite part. aka on her body. I pointed to her heart. I never wanted sex. I kept telling her it was just holding her hand, being in her arms, and looking into her eyes that made me forget everything. Now I fear she is destroying her future. All I can do is pray
Comment on this breakup
Sarah
June 24, 2014
This is what ppl dont understand. words coming from the person you love can break and cripple people. she broke you time and again and yet you loved her enough to believe she would change. clearly even after all thesevyears she is still nothing more than a heartless b word. I had tears falling from my eyes from this story. i still cant believe after a msg like that that she responded as coldly to you knowing you asked her not to. Shes just a stupid hoe that has to have the last word bec she knows she is wrong and is running from her own guilt. keep your head up honey a girl that is right for you will come along one day but for now you need to get away from this psycho and do something to believe in yourself again. she hurt you again and again because she is mad at herself. dont take that bullshiiitt. you call her out for the slut she is
John L.
March 07, 2014
Never thought I would be doing this. Not after this long. Nor did I really want to but I have prayed these last 6 months. I hope you will read this in its entirety; it is short and to the point. I am asking you to do something. The other day I was with a friend’s gf and she said after I made a statement that I had a grudge toward women. It has been just over 3 yrs since July of 2010. I am not writing this to hurt you in any way but to ask you to pray for me. As of this day 3/4/2014 I have kept my promise of waiting five years. I have only 8 months left and I hope to be free. It has been my choice and I have done so to not only prove to you that you were wrong about what you accused me of but to keep my word and everything I stood for once long ago. If you wanted revenge on me for speaking with your family; Then know that every day since that Sunday morning you left I heard you say that I was nothing but a mistake, I never loved or cared about you why would anyone, you are a stalker you bought my love and used me as a substitute for porn. On top of that me telling myself that not only did I fail the one person I loved the most in this world but to feel as though no girl would ever want a monster like me. Your words and actions have destroyed the man I once was and I have spent these last few yrs trying to rebuild myself but life has been hell for me. I failed out of school bec of depression, lost my fin aid, couldn’t find a job or internship, lost all confidence and pride in myself and gave up living,dreams, everything. I gained 95 lbs and am trying to lose it bec of health problems. Only one good thing has happened these last 3 yrs and that was my puppy. I hope yours has been better. Whether you want to believe it I don’t care but I was not the one to tell your family your actions in the first place bec I knew if there was any hope it would destroy it. I had to do a great amount of soul searching and find out why I resented women and frankly after you I never believed or trusted one. You set the standard for everyone after you and most would say accept the fact that she used you and move on; even your own dad. Something I can’t seem to do. I told you time and again that you were special, that you had the ability to shine brighter than a star, that you were better than this. All that was true the question I should have asked was do you believe it yourself? The one question that will forever hurt me is why? Why after everything did you not once try to see if a relationship would work? You said I was your ex….excuse. Love as well as everything was a choice. You knew I was not him. I theorized it was bec I made you feel special, gave you attention, made you feel good about yourself when no one else saw you were suffering. Finally 1. Your dad asked me one of the most hurtful things he could have said. “Do you even know what love is?†I spent 8 months giving everything from my first kiss to my virginity, forgiving you when it tore me to hell inside when you went to ken, Kevin and chris, kept trying to save you from your destructive self be it drinking or smoking, etc. I sacrificed everything . 2. I bought your love. I did those things and bought you things not to buy your love you dumbass because I was trying to get you to see me. But the main reason was this. Now PAY ATTENTION: Every morning I woke up to see you in front of me, to see you open your eyes and smile as I ran my hand down your cheek and through your hair. Having someone who for the only time in my life I believe loved me for who I was smile back at me and want to be with me.It gave me the greatest joy that I have ever known. Hell I can’t even remember the last time I felt that or just a simple smile. I feel nothing anymore. I did those things to repay you just being there bec you made me the happiest man ever. I never wanted to see you cry or show the face I saw at the bowling alley but to see you always smiling. 3. I never ever used you for a substitute for porn. I was scared to death of what we were doing and I didn’t have the confidence to make things work. Yes it got better with time but I couldn’t be my best because you kept looking through me and you were never once proud of me. Had you said we were dating just once or I was your bf just once I wouldn’t have been over there yanking like a crazy person trying just to be ready if you wanted it and to just be comfortable around you. Its rough not having sex for over 3 yrs but what you said screwed me over so bad I never wanted to be accused of that ever again. I was afraid to show you my wild side and do the things I wanted because that wasn’t what love was and I couldn’t until I knew you wanted to be with me. No I haven’t forgotten anything. Fav breakfast was fried eggs, bacon with blueberry pancakes, fav cake was carrot cake, fav girl scout cookie was peanut butter, fav flower was a snap dragon. Also the first thing you ever told me when I said what are 3 things you want a guy to know about you? I love the beach, I want to make people smile, I want to know that I am needed by that person. Oh John see you were obsessed. No you dumbass That was my fav crap too. All of it. Every damn time I see or eat it I’m reminded of you and yes it hurts and sucks. I have had to change everything including moving out of Orlando bec just seeing you hurt like hell. I know what my sis did in Publix and while it was not the right thing it was the same thing you would have done. I even asked you when your brother had that girl come over if a girl ever hurt or used him what would you do? Oh I would tear her head off. Don’t waste the life that was given to you nor the gifts that went with it. I have 7.5 months left to fulfill my final promise. 2 days b4 my 23 b-day was the first time I ever took a girl out to dinner aka you and 2 days b4 my 28 b-day it will finally come to an end. At that time I would like for you to find me and hand me the bible I lent to you. Take the paper out that I wrote for you and please read it. I will have spent 8 years looking waiting and praying based on 6 damn dreams, 8 months of being put through a nightmare, 4 yrs and 4 months of hell to fulfill a promise. When you see me and hand me my Bible just maybe you will have the courage to look me in the eyes and tell me what you see. For it was when I looked in your eyes at the bowling alley many yrs ago that I saw your pain and tried my best to save you from it. Problem I have found is that now there is no one to save me. Please whatever you do don’t respond to this message. You have destroyed and hurt me more than enough for the rest of my life. Just pray for me. I said you were no Christian and that was the worst thing I have ever said to someone. It was also a challenge to you to look at your choices and say what am I doing and just maybe turn your life back to God. Every song, every word I told you was thought out and never meant to do anything but see you shine. If you remember nothing else of me remember this. You asked me what my favorite part on you was. I pointed to your heart because I believed no one would love someone like me. Guess in the end I was right. Become better than you were the day before. I have prayed every day for your success and that God may bless you despite everything. Never forget you have someone that will always love you no matter how much you break them. I will always be there to pick you up when you fall even if you would never pick me up.
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