May 06, 2012 @ (california)

Tags: first, break, up

I started dating later in life, so he was my first--and this is my first break up.

We moved in together less than 6 months after our first date. We stayed together for a little under 2 years, but things started getting rocky half way through. I was feeling unsatisfied. I wanted it to work, and i would try communicating to him what I wanted. But for some reason we just weren't on the same page. By the end both of us were feeling worn out and unloved.

I was the one who initiated the idea of splitting. Maybe, immaturely on my part, I was thinking that it would spark something and we'd think, "no, I don't want to lose this person", and we'd try some other way to reach each other. But by then we didn't even know how to have that dialogue. It took me a couple of months to actually move out, but after some emotional drama, in the end he was the one wanting me to leave.

It's been about a month now and I can't stop feeling as though we failed, as though something died. And instead of just leaving it be and moving on, I keep feeling like we could have done so much better. I feel like the situation has brought me perspective, and a new sense of awareness of what it really means to be in a relationship with someone. But apparently it's too late. He says he's too tired, that he needs time to himself.

I could understand taking some time to ground ourselves, so reassess the situation. But in my mind I'm daydreaming about us connecting again like we did in the beginning, with excitement and a sense of adventure. In my mind, the second time around would be more wise, more mature. We'd have a better sense of how to approach it.

But he doesn't even want to entertain the idea, I guess. Embarrassingly, he doesn't even want to take my calls. I keep wanting things from him that he doesn't want to give. It hurts me, and on top of that I feel like such an idiot for trying still.

But I don't know how to let go, you know? I don't know how to not remember all the things about him and our past relationship without missing him.

I guess I'm not even sure if it's him I want. Maybe I am just craving a fulfilling relationship in general, and I keep trying to make him fit into that when he's obviously not the one for me.

It's still so hard to not get all emotional. I can go a couple of weeks without contacting him, but then it's like I can't stand it anymore and I just want to hear his voice. ]:

Pathetic, I know.



Comment on this breakup


May 15, 2012

Thanks for the support, guys. Everyone kept telling me that with time and a little self-forgiveness all of these feelings would pass. I'm happy to say that I'm feeling MUCH better. I even found out that he is talking to someone new, and for a minute I felt jealous, but I'm pretty much over it. This probably sounds bad, but once I saw that she's not as attractive, my ego felt better. It made me think that he and I simply were not right for each other, and that I'm happy for him if this girl turns out to be more his type. As for myself, I found that while I am very loyal. I didn't even SEE other guys around me, they didn't interest me at all. But now? Wow, I can see what I've been missing out on. I had forgotten how fun it was just to look, let alone meet new people. :p



May 15, 2012

Hi, buy the book "I used to miss him but my * is Improving" at the local bookstore. Seriously, it will help you gain prospective & your self esteem. I've been there, trying 2 make the puzzle fit & guess what, you can't fit a circle into a square, it just doesn't work.


John L.

May 13, 2012

It's not pathetic and don't believe anyone who says otherwise. Read my story under the browse tab, popular, John L. You may find some answers. If not I can try to help you. You loved him, you dreamed of a life with him and lets face it real love is hard, .... real hard. To imagine a future without the person we invest our lives into is the must gut wrenching thing in the world. I have been single for two years and while the pain is less, its still there. It always will be and while you may have learned and people say it all the time, its what you lost in the process to learn that I feel needs to be addressed more. Just remember you are not alone and if I can help you I will.


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