When you read this story, I am certain you're going to think I am an idiot, But I promise if you give it a read, it will all tie together.
When I was 15 (he was 14), I thought I met the love of my life. We did everything together. I grew up dating him essentially all of high school. For reference, we are in the same grade. I experience so much of my life, shared everything with him.
You could say that over the course of almost 4 years of dating, we became inseparable. The inside jokes, the traditional dates, the teasing, the flirting, we had something special. But of course, over the last year of dating, the fighting only got worse. We had also been known to have a few huge fights here or there, but in all honesty, fighting is okay. But it came to a point for me that I realized I had simply had enough, I was tired of arguing with him. I was exhausted from telling him that he shouldn't ignore me, or that he should actually want to see me more.
He never was overly affectionate towards me during the last year. It had seemed that we were two ships that could not stop one storm after the next. On our 3.5 year anniversary, he asked to take a break because he had been so tired of me. He cut off all communication with me for days. I was devastated. I couldn't think or sleep. I had never felt more crushed. However, when he came to my doorstep with flowers and an apology, I felt like he had changed.
And he did. He wanted to plan our dates, talk to me more, call me, anything. It was one of the best points of my relationship, those few months. However, it wasn't enough, because to me, something was missing. I didn't love him anymore. I can't express to you what it feels like to wake up one morning, and you see this person you've always loved, but you feel different. I had fallen out of love. When I chose to break up with him, after taking a week of a break to clear my head.
He was devastated. I had hurt him so much, and it wasn't something I could help him with. Because I did that. But I could never force myself to love someone when I did not. Over the next months, we were friends. We did not want to hate each other, or be like every other ex. So we were close friends. He had made me agree that we shouldn't date for the rest of the school year, that way it would be easier on us. So I agreed. I figured, it was the least I could do, right?
Then, I found out he had been dating a girl. The worst part, was it was a girl he spent my entire relationship telling me he hated. So I assumed she was never a threat. The pain I felt/feel is the most intense sadness I could have ever felt. It's comparable to the time he didn't know if he loved me. I didn't eat right or sleep well for almost an entire week. Nothing has hurt me more.
In fact, I am still hurt because of the recency of this, as I type this, I have been tear filled, dry throat, and head throbbing. I think what is sad, was for the first time in a long time, I was starting to feel like I had missed him, and I was going to tell him that week, but then I found out he was dating someone else. The most unfortunate about all this, is I lost not only a boyfriend in this entire process, but now I have lost a friendship. We don't talk anymore. I dearly hope that will change, because he doesn't know the magnitude of how hurt not only I feel, but the rest of his friends, because suddenly, none of us exist. What hurts is I will never stop caring about him, no matter how much I hate him for the moment, I will always care. But now I have never felt more devastated. I want to tell myself I deserve it for breaking up with him, but I wasn't happy dating anymore. Do I deserve this?
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