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Farrah

September 23, 2012 @ (CA)

FROM MY DIARY: MY BOYFRIEND, THE ADDICT

I need to laugh right now, even though I feel like crying. You see, the man I love is an addict. Piece by piece, he’s breaking my heart. I think this might be over.

For the time being, though, I figure laughter is the best medicine. So I’m trying to focus on the crazy man outside with the abrasive voice, yelling on the phone in a language I can’t understand. At the same time, I’m reading these break-up stories on an online support group for damaged relationships, wondering how on earth I got here.

I’m trying to remember the things I'm grateful for, which is hard to do in a time like this. My therapist tells me to do this when I feel down. It helps me shift into a more positive mindset. I need to look at the things I DO have in my life and stop focusing on what I've lost - because I can’t stop thinking about Ryan* and about how much I miss the person he used to be.

I feel like I lost him even before the new girl "friend" came along. However, I know she’s only a piece of this crazy puzzle. The old Ryan would never have hurt me that way. He never would’ve lied to me about seeing her. He never would’ve blamed me for his own mistakes.

For the past couple months, I’ve had that gut instinct, telling me something wasn’t right. I could already feel him starting to slip away, and I keep remembering the person who once loved and adored me, and who thought I was beautiful and amazing. I miss the way he used to hold me, kiss me, talk to me for hours. He said he wanted to be with me forever, and I wanted his face to be the first thing I saw each morning, every day for the rest of my life. I never told him that – but I felt it in my heart. He inspired me to be a better person. I miss that man.

When I met him over a year ago, he’d first gotten sober. Gradually, he changed into a brand new person. A light appeared in his eyes; he was truly happy. He went to AA, got a sponsor, and was taking steps toward a brighter future. What went wrong?

It hurts so badly to watch him change. I watch as he stumbles through the darkness of his addiction, sloppy step-by-step, and I can’t do a thing. The pain cuts like a knife, but I’m trying not to feel it. I’m trying to be strong. I don't even know him anymore. He can't see the way he hurts me. While he's this way, he can't see anything else. He’s locked in the grip of denial – in a world that is cold and black. Until he wants help, he won’t get better, and right now he doesn’t believe anything is wrong.

I can't go on this way with him. I love him more than words can say, but I have to love myself enough as well.

I have to realize that the person I'm leaving behind isn’t the man I fell in love with. Instead, he’s a stranger, and all I have are memories of someone I once loved with all my heart.

I watch him wrestle within his own skin, and wallowing in the pits of self-imposed misery. He can't even see what this does to me. He'll only get better when the pain of staying the same outweighs his fear of change.

Unless he’s willing to be honest with himself, he’ll never change, and things between us will continue to deteriorate.

As long as he’s in this mode, he’s capable of anything. He expects my trust without being trustworthy. He expects results and rewards without doing anything to earn them. It isn’t realistic, but he can’t see that now – not the way the old Ryan would. I guess it’s impossible to see the entire picture while you’re standing in it.

A part of me still believes in him. He pushed through this before, and he became an amazing person because of it. It's hard to watch something so beautiful waste away before your eyes. It’s even harder to walk away.

Whatever happens, I do believe that everything happens for a reason - even if I can't see what that is right now. One day, maybe I'll understand. And one day - just maybe - the man I love will come back to me.

Sara

August 15, 2012 @ (Slovenia)

Tags: Sara

Our story is now almost 7 years long. With zillion of breakups, cries, backtogethers, now I can finally say it's over. When I look back now, there's been more bad than nice times, I often felt rejected, humiliated and not loved.. What took me so long? Low self esteem, not a drop of self love and addiciton. The last drop over the top was last month of our "relationship". In May I got pregnant.. Then he fell in love with someone new - so he said. We talked on the phone about the situation we had to solve somehow. I've decided that the abortion is the best solutin for me.. The day I went to the hospital, he wasn't there for me. Yet the "good" thing came out of all, I didn't have the abortion since I misscarried the child. It was probably somekind of a sign, that that person is really the best to stay away from. But the pain of his actions was and still is sometimes unbearable. I am moving on now, day by day, hour by hour with thoughts of lonliness mostly in my head. But my goal is now to get over him and find love in myself, the long missing self esteem and the partner I deserve. I know I will be ok! :)

CC

July 11, 2012 @ (HK)

Tags: breakup, ow

I'm 15 years old, he's 16. Let's call him by his initial, D. We started as good friends, and it slowly morphed into something more, like he would say 'I miss you', when I went out with friends and stuff. We had a common friend, my best friend, and he told me that he liked me, I was relieved because I thought he liked my friend. So we were together for 3 months, we rarely argued and it was all good :) But during the winter holidays, we barely talked, and he left for Japan with just a quick 'oh btw im going to japan'. So when he returned, we talked again over Skype, but I realized something was wrong. He wasn't the same. So I asked him if he liked me, and he said he didn't know, so when I tried to talk it through, he just said brb, cos his friend was calling him. Then when I asked whether we could talk in person, and he said he was busy tomorrow. So he promised to talk the day after. When the day after finally came, he said he was 'too tired in the mornings' and didn't even bother. So we decided on 'a break'. Meanwhile, he went to my best friend for support, though he didn't need it. I, in turn, somehow became close with the friend he had ditched me for, on the day that we broke up. During Easter, we got close again. He started making sexual comments, and touching me..but he never once said he liked me. It was all over by the time Easter ended. I had gotten into a fight with my best friend over my actions in the past year, for she didn't like how I had changed with sadness. It hurt me to see my ex making statuses for her like 'cheer up' or 'go online', But what hurt most was, on his steam profile, he said he loved a special person with a description so fitting her and the things they talk about. I don't know what to do, we still talk but it's awkss. I just need some advice.

Emaa

June 23, 2012 @ (middle of nowhere)

Tags: lifedestroyer, breakup, ruined

ok well heres how it is. im 15, and will be 16 next month. i dated a guy called jerry for about idk 3 weeks i wasnt like madly in love or any of that, but he was keeping my mind off other guys. so yeah he was 19, good looking and really popular too. of course he was one of those tough 'i dont give a shit' guys with no feelings but he was funny enough. anyway, i caught him fucking one of his pretty 6th year classmates. guess where? on the way to school. i obvioisly dumped him in a heartbeat, skipped school for the day to eat my triple chocolate m&s cereal thing and watch maury. ok after a day of that, and texts of 'jerry is a dickhead he didnt deserve you', i got one saying exactly this "You must be so angry at Jerry, for posting that video online. Whatta dick!". hold the phone, what video? then i got a link from fran (my friend). holy fuck. it was a video of me and jerry 'you know what-ing'. AKA FUCKING and i felt like dying right then and there. he'd taken a video of us in secret, not only that it was online, not only that everyone i know saw it. i was about to run away but my step mum came home. she saw it too, god knows how. she got really mad and told me everyone she knew saw it too, even my granny. and of course the texts flew in about what a dirty whore i was, even my friends in singapore watched the video. ive kinda cut everyone off except from my really good friends. i left and am now staying in my house in the country alone (my dad died and i got the huge awesome house) and am lonely as fuck. my bet friend callum told me i should take him to court and sen him away for 20+ years on counts of child pornography, statutory rape and uploading a video without consent. this is without a doubt the worst break up of my entire life ands its destroyed me. hope you feel better thst your break up wasnt half as bad. but i could be wrong if they broke your heart, because thats really sad and hurts A LOT especially when you really really loved them x have fun reading more like i do x

Bob David

May 03, 2012 @ (san diego)

Tags: Acceptance

We met when I was 21 and she was just turning 18, a little over 5 years ago. There was instant attraction and our relationship advanced quickly. I knew deep down that neither of us were mature enough to be in a long term committed relationship, but we stuck together anyways. There were a lot of good times, fun memories, amazing sex and we were always there for eachother through the ups and downs. About two years into the relationship there were multiple infadelities-- she started sleeping with one of my good friends behind my back and I had slept around with more than 1 girl. Despite this huge blow to our trust and relationship, we stuck together after we came clean with each other on what we had done. In hindsight I know that we stuck together because we were attached and had some form of needyness with each other. I feel weak to admit that, but I honestly just felt attached and couldn't let her go despite the fact that we had both hurt each other severely and that we deserved better. I knew in my heart at the time that I should have let her go, but my impulsive needyness forced me to hold on to a relationship that had become toxic. Since then we tried to rebuild the foundation of trust in our relationship, but we were fighting an uphill battle and there was just too much insecurity and distrust towards eachother. A year and a half ago we moved in together, which was a big mistake. Things were ok on the surface, but deep down we both felt disconnected and unhappy with the relationship. Along the way we became very short tempered and irritated with eachother. She would yell and call me names, I would yell back and say hurtful things-- stuff you just don't do when you say that you love someone. I knew in my heart for a long time it was not right and that I needed to let go, but I just didn't have the courage to part company with her. I feel ashamed for having held on to something that I knew was not right for me. We broke up about 5 weeks ago after she did not come home one night. She told me she went out to party with her friends and stayed with a female co-worker, but my intuition told me otherwise. We both agreed that we were not right together and both needed to stand on our own two feet. We were together for 5 and a half years and although I know that it was not the right relationship for me I still feel a deep sense of loss an emotional pain. Despite having hurt eachother I had considered her my best friend-- we did everything together and wanted desperately to make things work. I have been trying so hard for the last 5 weeks to look at the reality of the relationship, but my mind keeps wanting to tell me that we could have made it work or that I should have been a better man. The fact is I was immature and acted with the level of maturity and awareness that I had at the time-- I think it's fair to say that she did too. I keep beating myself up over what I could have done differently and all the what if's, but it has only held me back from letting go and moving on. I am trying so hard to accept that it's over, but still find myself hoping for reconciliation in the future-- hope that is eating me up inside. I know that we both deserve better and that it cannot work. I am not one to share my personal story on an online forum such as this, but I started reading a book the other day that suggested I post about the breakup on this website. It has been helpful typing this story up and putting things into perspective. I think it's important that I look at my past relationship logically rather than feed off of my emotions. Anyways, I know my story probably sounds crazy or like I am a bad guy for having cheated, but I would appreciate any feedback. I am now 26 and have come to so many realizations in reflecting on the relationship. I really want to better myself and become the best man that I can be not only for myself, but so that I can have a healthy, loving relationship in the future. Most importantly I want to love myself so I never put myself in a toxic relationship again where I think that I don't deserve better. Anyways, stay strong to everyone that is going through similar heart break or emotional pain. Everyone keeps telling me it will pass-- I just hope that it does sooner than later!

DEMI

March 23, 2012 @ (missouri)

Tags: betrayal..sex..other man

hi im new to this website...an i jus needed a place to tell my story...imma start off by saying...i jus turned 25 an i was in a 4 year relationship wit a man named jamall...the first 2 years with him was great .he proposed an life was cool until 2 months later after the engagement i caught him in a online affair wit a girl a state away ..so i broke offf the engagment ...so the next 2 years i had caught him up in many lies...until 2010 he started dj at a local club...i felt like i had to live up to his image..he was getting noticable an hott...so i felt as a dj girlfriend i should look da part an i did i bought fake ass pads...an the nicest clothes to meet his standards..well after a year doin that i became someone else i lost my idenity an started becoming someone i didnt recongize...an his actions were getting worst ..until on day in may of 2011 changed my life forever..i meet a guy who was in da army ...he was everything my boyfriend wasnt ...so by that point my boyfriend was doin his thing an he stopped showing me love an care..an attention ..so when this new guy came in my life to provide me all that i loved it...so on our first date we had sex...it was the best sex i ever had...an it jus happened ..we enjoyed it an the feeling we were feeling so we decided to see each other again an again sex sex an more sex...feelings were getting involved an we didnt care he was single i wasnt but it felt soo right ...so he had to leave for germany 3 weeks into me cheating i had fell inlove with him ..an had a man at hme..but i didnt care i was happy an myself with the army guy...so he left an i was faced with my bf back hme..it was the most miserable time ever...i continued to talk to the army guy for 6 months until he came hme again on leave in december 2011 ..we were inlove at that point an i was ready to leave my bf..an all i wanted was the army guy well...i had came across my bf had been sleeping wit a 19 yer old since november 2011 an i found out all this in february on my bday..i was floored ...he say he still loves me but he cant treat me right ...his actions are wht ran me off in the first place ...i really love the army guy an he loves me 2 we r sooo happy together ...i dnt kno if i should leave my 4 year relationship or leve my 10 month affair...please u guys help me but i love the army guy he is da one but my bf we only have time no kids no future plans no promises so ill take all the advice u can give

CaptainMac316

October 01, 2011 @ (USA)

Tags: Sorry, that sucks, That's hilarious

I was dating this girl for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and that continued into college. I get home from work one night and I think it's just a normal night. We are laying in bed watching whatever and she turns to me and says "(Name redacted) we need to talk." My first thought was "Fuck...what did I do now?"
So I ask her "What's up?"
Her response: "I...I found somebody else." I was floored. This was from out of nowhere. Now, as I'm sitting there, I start to think "Where did she find somebody else?" She didn't go to college. She didn't work at the time. She didn't venture out of the house unless she went somewhere with her family. Basically, I was dating a loser. So I asked "Where did you meet this guy?"
She replied, "Online." Ah, that made a lot of damn sense now. So, I ask her "Which site?" I'm thinking like eHarmony or match.com. Her response "I met him in a Harry Potter chat room." My only reaction was to laugh at her. "Are you kidding me?" I asked incredulously. She definitely was not. "What do you talk about on a Harry Potter chatroom? Did he ask you if you wanted to see his wand?" I got no response. Was I said and upset? Yes, but remember, laughter helps out when getting over such things.

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater

July 06, 2011 @ (florissant, mo)

Tags: (cheater!!, heart breaker)

i dated my boyfriend for 1 year he was my first love and our relationship was amazing! he always spoiled me whenever he could he was so nice and he always told me he loved me. we always knew since i was only 15 and him 17 that we wouldnt last 4ever. but we did promise each other a few things 1. no dating or hooking up with anyone for a couple months after breaking up. 2.if u cheat on me tell me! 3. we will still be friends after we break up. so as time went on he constantly said i had an attitude about everything he did and we were always getting annoyed with each other we promised we would both work on our flaws but the last month i felt like he didnt care anymore and that he was cheating on me.In that month i always cried at night because i thought he was gonna break up and was cheating on me. He kept picking up more hours at work which kept making me so upset because i missed seeing him and i would get annoyed when he promised 2 hang out with me but worked last min. he never wanted 2 stay the night anymore, he stopped calling, after work he always went to parties he never asked me to go anymore and kept saying he wanted 2 go home 4 alone time but would go out and hangout with his friends. a week after our 1 year anniversary he came over and i was so excited 2 hangout with him but he told me he had 2 work... i was really upset so he left. i got online and his facebook status said about done i asked him if it was about me and then he broke up with me over a facebook message according to him it was because of my attitude and i begged him to give me another chance until a couple days later i found out he was cheating on me when we were dating and as soon as we broke up had sex with a couple girls... all the promises he made me were a lie and he never kept any of them i recently found out he is now talking to another girl that i hate and he always called a whore when we were dating and i am still not over him its only been a week!

Annie

March 28, 2011 @ (Illinois)

Tags: Lies, Manipulation

I started dating a guy after we met online. He was great and we immediately hit it off. He was living proof that good guys still existed and I found myself starting to let go of the wall I had built after years of childhood abuse. After a couple weeks of dating he told me that he was falling for me, so I decided that it was time to tell him of my abusive past and the issues that came with it, which was when he told me that he would never do that to me(as he was crying through my stories). Soon, I decided that I was ready to lose my virginity to him, one of the last walls I had held on to. About a week after this happened, he started to pull away but insisted that everything was okay and blamed it on his cold. Shortly after Valentine's Day, he told me that he was a recovering sex addict, something he only told two other people. Having learned to face problems head on instead of running away, I told him that I would help however I could. Plus, I also felt like I would be a b*tch for breaking up with him when he was at a low point already. This went on for a few weeks, while he kept assuring me that our relationship was doing great. Gradually he started to change from the man I had met and into a total stranger, cussing all the time and never happy. Yesterday, he invited me to his house for lunch after going to church. That's when he decided to tell me that he felt incapable of any emotion, especially love. Wouldn't look me in the eye at all and just kept trying to lead me to broach the subject of breaking up. I knew it was all lies, but I played dumb, just trying to make him feel more horrible. He wouldn't even walk me to the door. I just can't understand why he couldn't just grow a pair and break up with me honestly. I feel so used.

Little Ol\

February 24, 2011 @ (Winnipeg, Canada)

Tags: (example1, example2)

I had moved to Ottawa to live with my mom when I was 16. Shortly after my 17th birthday I met this guy "D" who I fell head over heels with, my first true love so to speak. Though we never really branded ourselves as an "item", we did spend a lot of time together and would make out often. We told each other EVERYTHING. This would only last for a few months as my mom announced that we were moving back to Winnipeg. I was devestated, but me and him kept in contact while I was back in Manitoba.

Fast forward four years... I went back to Ottawa to see if we still had anything left from before. We were still close friends and told each other everything, but, he was not ready to commit to me or anyone, I was crushed but wanted him in my life in some capacity even if we were just "friends". Then it happened, some one made up a story about something I did and he believed it. We had a huge fight and he vowed he never wanted to see me again. I went back to Winnipeg again with a broken heart.

Over the next decade I ended up getting married and having a son, but my thoughts would always roam to "D". Sometimes fond memories, sometimes anger, but a huge piece of my heart still belonged to him.

My "husband" turned out to be a chronic cheater and we were in the process of ending our marriage. I had gone online and ended up talking to one of my old friends from Ottawa and the topic of "D" came up and I had mentioned that I missed "D". My friend had to go offline as did I but we ended up online again later that night, this time he brought "D" into our conversation.

"D" and I talked that whole night, and every day since then. We STILL had feelings for each other and I flew out a month later for a visit. It was amazing, we laughed, we talked, we kissed, we made love, and we cuddled.

For seven months we did the long distance thing, then I took the big plunge and moved to Ottawa for the third time, this time it's been four years together, we are in the midst of planning our wedding and our future lives together.

I know that this was not a break up story per say, but I wanted to show that you can break up a few times before getting it right. A break up doesn't always have to be forever.