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Bobby

December 01, 2015 @ (Toronto)

So I can't believe I'm doing this. Maybe some therapy so that I don't lose my head.

When I was about 12 or 13 I woke up from a horrible nightmare that wasn't easy to understand or describe. I was in a sweat and could hardly breath. The only way I could put into words to my parents was that it felt like I had a 10 million dollar ticket and watched the wind blow it from my hand and was gone forever. I feel now that this was a premonition for things to come. Almost like an intense ripple felt through time.

Flash forward 13 years, I'm 25 and I see the most beautiful girl sitting in the lunch room at work. Keep in mind that I'm a very shy type and for just once in my life I through caution to the wind. I had to talk with this girl she was a dream. I think from that point we talked on the phone every night, we had incredible adventures through conversation I felt like I had met my soulmate. Also we had an incredible physical chemistry. Late nights in my parents basement by the fire and nothing else mattered...the body heat and passion was intense, 2 souls coming together and best of all talking about life into the early morning hours. I was a struggling artist you see, working evenings at the shop and trying to make my dreams come true during the days. She didn't seem to care, we were lost in our own little world.

1 year turned into 2, and 2 into 3...and I never lost the passion, every day seeing her was like Christmas eve. Around that time she was finishing school and I was away in Europe doing fashion modelling. God she hated me doing that, being around other women but she had nothing to fear. She was my everything, my whole world and I was just trying to find a way to make life work with the struggles of being an artist.

Years passed and the modelling did not yield the money I had hoped. The girl I loved was growing up, she graduated school and was just offered her first grown up job. At the time I was starting my software company, god damn I wish some days that I could just put on a suit and tie. She was doing great and I can say that I just was not at my best...that's when I'm sure thoughts of children and a white picket fence crossed her mind. From every day after that she grew more distant. It's a horrible feeling of helplessness. Like sand sifting through your fingers.

It's been about 3 years (I think) since we broke up. She has since moved on and met someone else. I was really angry when I first found out, but I'm just not convinced that she would have the life she wants if we were still together. I'm married to my work and she deserves better.

The saddest part of the story? I'm sitting here telling it to you over the internet. I've dated other women, but I just can't stop being in love with another. These relationships fail because I have to end them, it's just not fair for the other individual. Never in my life have I been wounded like this, and the years haven't healed a thing.

It's unbearable dealing with all the pain and anger, but deep down knowing that the woman I love more than anything else in the world would be better off without me....