Tags: Bad Breakup
I remember that it hurt. Hearing the words hurt - and at the same time, it felt like something out of a movie, like it wasn't happening. After all, how could it? It had been merely a week since our second anniversary, and as an anniversary gift she had given me a card that said, "I promise to be with you for all the years to come."
I couldn't even begin to process it. "How do you feel," she asks me, trying to decipher my off smile and my wondering eyes. I only smile because I don't know what to say, what to feel. I don't fight it, I merely say all-right, shed a couple tears, and drop her off at her house. It took me a couple days for my emotions to catch up with me - and oh boy, did they come in force. Like a thousand crashing waves, every single negative emotion in the book comes, all at once, all clamoring for my attention in a sea of deprecating voices: "you weren't enough," "she got tired of you," "you aren't good enough for anyone" ; and as I struggle to get them in check, I was still left wondering: why exactly did it happen?
I never got a straight answer to that question; at least, none that I understood. She mentioned that she wanted to try being with a girl (she's bi, but not in practice yet), that I had been insensitive about one fight that we had more than a year ago, that I was too unstable in my life for her to think about settling down with me. "If my ex had asked me to move in with him, I would've done it in an instant" she said. Surprisingly enough, her life wasn't in any way better than mine: a education major working as a cashier at one of the lowest paying grocery shops in the area, with no car telling me, a computer engineering major with a car, and a delivery job earning 2.5x more per hour as her.
While I could see how she was right, since I had been thinking about dropping out of school, and I had changed my major more than three times in the last six months, I just didn't understand why that was an issue now, all of a sudden. The only answer I can come up with is that perhaps the spark, that magical, elusive feeling that binds people together just died over time for her, while mine grew stronger and stronger. While she was thinking about how to break the news to me, I was thinking what would be the best date to travel to Disneyland with her, since she had told me not too long before, that she'd like me to propose to her at the Cinderella Castle.
I write this now, two months later, even thought it feels like a lifetime ago. My speculating and unstableness paid off after all; because I was willing to take risks, I dropped out of school, and started working in Real Estate. In the first month, I rose from Intern to District Manager at a local firm, and when some shady situations came to light regarding the owners, I left the firm, and opened my own. I'm earning four times what I was before, and it'll only grow from here. Even so, I still look back and wonder what could've been. When she ended things, it felt like someone had taken a hammer to the glass sculpture that was my future with her; and even though I'm not crying over it anymore, I have yet to pick up the pieces, and start again.
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