NoNeedToKnow

November 22, 2010 @ (France)

Tags: depression, self-esteem


I had this friend that was going through some stuff just like I was. Both him and I were very depressed and so we started talking with one another. One thing after another, we ended up dating.
He lived in another city, so we couldn't see each other much but we talked/emailed each other nonstop everyday. We both thought things were pretty serious. On our official first date, he told me that he loved me and we had our very first kiss. And of course, this is lame but I had felt something when he kissed me. The very next day, he told me on the phone that we had to breakup. His mother told him to not date me for my good. She was afraid that he'd hurt me. I was really torn and depressed but we continued being friends but "with benefits." So it basically still felt like we were still dating. We'd still talk on the phone whenever we could and he'd always tell me that he loves me and other romantic things.
........But then I find out ONLINE that he started going out with this girl WHILE he was still talking with me and saying all that sweet stuff. And to add to it, I found out two WEEKS after they were dating. I was so pissed off and torn that I yelled at him to never talk to me. AND he had the nerve to say that he'd breakup with her if I wanted him to. I didn't want to hurt the other girl and so I told him to do whatever he wanted. He broke up with her and I added her as a friend on ----------. She blabbed out everything to me and said that they were true loves and etc. Then she had the nerve to say that he never liked me in the first place and that he was just thinking that he had feelings for me but in reality, he was madly in love with her.
Things got worse when I wanted to get the truth from him but I couldn't get into contact with him at all. But luckily, I was best friends with his sister and she told me about some things that he told her when he was dating me. He didn't feel anything when we kissed and he felt like he was pressured into saying that he loves me. She did me a favor and did a 3-way phone call and I listened into their conversation. I know it was wrong to do so but it cleared everything up. I heard him say that I reminded him of her ex from 3 years ago and so thats why he dated me. I became depressed and sad from that point on.
There were moments where I thought to myself that I should hate him for everything but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I blamed myself for it. I blamed myself for not noticing that he cut the time we usually talk together down. I blamed myself and said to myself that I deserved it. Even now, I think how could a plain girl like me ever get a guy like him to like me....I eventually gave up and now I don't enjoy everyday life and feel like I have to drag myself to make it through the day...


       


 

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